Unschooling and what it means to us...

I was drawn to writing this for many reasons, the main one being that there just isn’t enough information out there for people who are looking at unschooling or life learning and considering it.

It’s definitely gained some traction in recent years, but most people still don’t understand the fundamentals of what unschooling is and how to go about it.

But before you think of this as some sort of manual on how too,

please understand that there will never be such a thing for unschooling,

and I think that’s one of the reasons why there is limited information out there on the subject.

It looks so different for each family, that it's hard to describe, especially when the world has become quite sensitive to opinions.

I have read many books, done a lot of research, and spoken to so many different people over the course of the years, and one thing that became very clear to me,

is that you cannot put a definitive label on anything that has to do with learning or children.

Each person is so wonderfully unique, and anyone with an interest in alternate learning for their children already know,

that trying to group them into labels, or trying to find some sort of how to book,

is just not how things work.

We can however, share stories and ideas, and by doing this, we will see an over-all picture of what it means to unschool, or as my family like to call it – Living our lives.

Ok, so what is unschooling? (to us...)

If you type that into google or ask someone who doesn't quite know, themselves, the answer you will most likely hear is –

It is a non-curriculum based form of child-led learning.

This is why I don’t like the term child-led learning...

This implies that the parent or caregiver is waiting around for the child to decide what to learn, with no input.

It makes it seem as if the parent isn’t allowed to be involved.

I remember once reading a blog post where the author mentioned that they had once been asked by a mother if it was ok for her to ask her son if she could read to him at night.

I’m sure she isn’t the only one who is utterly confused by the term child-led learning, so lets elaborate.

Probably the best description I have ever come across is this:

Unschooling is creating and maintaining an environment in which natural learning flourishes, and neither parent, nor child need to be lead if the environment is flowing and rich.

When people want my short answer, I basically just tell them, that I think, it’s about not forcing your child to do anything they really don’t want to do,

and in turn supporting them in the things that they do.

It's about thinking of your child as a person, with the same needs and feelings as you, instead of something that needs to be moulded and shaped into whatever society has dictated.

It's about questioning things, and asking yourself Why?

Why do we do things this way?

Is there a good reason, or is it because it's just what's always been done?

And is it the only way?

The most successful way?

The only right path?

I think the biggest change for me across the board was to actually be curious myself, and want to know Why.

It's also important to remember that children’s experiences are limited,

in that they only currently know, what they have previously been exposed to, so how could they possibly be inspired by new things if they are not given the opportunity to explore new and wonderful things.

See how a parent sitting a long the side lines, waiting for their child to decide could hinder that?

Unschooling to us, means that us as parents are more involved.

We are not sitting, quietly waiting for Maddie to come up to us and say, I want to learn about architecture.

We are observing, so that we can take note of interests and build on them, or we are there suggesting new activities and outings, or recommending things.

We are hanging out with her, getting into conversations, and being open minded about her interests, and non-judgemental if she changes her mind over and over again.

We are there to embrace mistakes and recognise that ultimately, this is how we learn, this is how we grow, this is how we find our true passions, and not only the things we love, but it's also how we get to know ourselves and recognise who we are.

How many of us feel like we only got to truly know ourselves in our 30's or later?

What if we had the opportunity to start that journey 10-20 years earlier?

What could we have accomplished if we didn't need to go through so many transitional periods,

or if we had the freedom to learn what really interested us,

instead of spending years, learning a little bit of everything just in case?

I think over all it’s about changing the way we see our kids and changing the way that we engage with them.

Instead of seeing time spent with them as some chore that has to take place during a certain number of hours during the day before we can knock off and do our own thing,

we should try hanging out with them, chatting about and observing what they are into,

so that we can find activities or socials that are in line with what they love.

And if/when their interests change, we should be flexible and open to that change,

and instead of seeing it as not finishing what they’ve started,

try and understand that the more interests and experiences they have, ultimately the more they learn, and the closer they get to finding out what their passions are.

This is how the human brain works.

Everything we see and hear and touch and smell etc all goes into the brain bank,

and in this bank, everything that is related no matter how minute,

makes a connection,

and you can basically think of those connections as your education in life.

So the more you see, hear, feel, taste, smell, and do, the more you will

know.

Another key part of learning, is the state of mind we are in when we are taking in information.

And I think this is probably the most overlooked thing out there in education today.

Scientists have done studies and proven time and time again that when a person is under stress or even uninterested,

the chances of them remembering the occasion are slim.

You only need to turn to your own mind for proof of this.

Try and recall literally anything that you learned from a worksheet or exam.

Now think of a favourite memory from your past.

Which one could you recall?

How we expect children to learn and retain information by not allowing them to use any of their natural senses is ludicrous to me.

Our bodies were literally made to move.

We have so much information out there about how sitting isn't a natural position for us, or that it causes nothing but problems,

and we all know that children, especially, need to move to think.

Yet?

We are so brainwashed these days, that we can’t accept that learning is going on unless we see a child sitting at a desk in a quiet classroom with their head in a text book.

Somehow it’s considered extreme to live the way we successfully did, for thousands of years before the industrial revolution came into play and started manufacturing the kinds of people they needed.

This makes me think of one of my favourite John Holt quotes – We ask children to do for most of a day what few adults are able to do for even an hour.

How many of us, attending say a lecture that doesn’t interest us can keep our minds from wandering?

Hardly any.

Now imagine being made to feel everyday like you are not good enough just because you aren’t interested in what the government official currently in office has decided is important for you to know, for a future none of us can predict.

I like to remind myself from time to time that what is being taught in schools,

is not a standard universal decision,

just like what is on the shelves at your grocery store, or being broadcast on your television,

they are decided by a person sitting in an office somewhere,

doing a job according to stats and bottom lines.

What doesn't get taken into account for many of these decisions,

is what the best option is for the individual.

Anyway I feel like I've gotten lost in one of my rants again...let's continue :P

Something I get asked often is - What does unschooling mean for kids who know they want to become a doctor or something that requires extensive education?

My answer to that is...the same way everyone else would go about it.

In fact, most unschooled/ home-educated children are welcomed into universities all over the world with open arms,

because they are CLEAR on their passions and interests,

and most times, have already got a great deal of experience and knowledge on their chosen subject,

and above all, they are there because they truly want to be there, learning that,

not because they were pressured into choosing something,

because they have to go to college.

Same goes for all the, how will they read or learn maths questions.

Or one I get asked constantly – how will she take her GCSE’s?

Again, the same way everyone else does.

A huge misconception in the world today is that learning is only for the young,

and that for some reason you need to know everything there is to know by your early 20’s.

Then what?

GCSE’s, diplomas, degrees etc can be done at any age.

And if you have had the freedom to pursue your interests and passions, you can choose to do these things whenever you want to.

Even if Maddie had never done maths in her life and decided at age 20 that she wanted to become an architect, she would go out and get the knowledge that she needs to do it, just like any of us would.

If you decided at age 40 that you no longer wanted to be an accountant and wanted to be a chef instead, what would you do?

You would go and get the education you need in order to become a chef right?

I love to remind my daughter that it takes 5 years to master something,

that’s all you need to literally become a master at something.

There is no need to spend what are meant to be the most free spirited, care free years of our lives being taught that learning is stuffy, and the opposite of fun, and can only happen in one place in one way,

only to have to pick one thing at the end of that, and do it for the rest of your life.

I still love to learn, my husband still loves to learn, why should we be limited by age or "what do you want to be when you grow up questions?"

So I guess you could say, unschooling to us, means learning throughout your whole life, and not putting a time limit on it.

Not putting limits on when we need to know things,

when we need to accomplish things,

simply living our lives and letting its natural flow give us everything we need at that point in our lives.

I know it sounds very hippy, and all the same questions popped into my head that I'm sure are flooding your brain right now.

But all I can say, is that you have to experience unschooling and see it in action, before you become a true believer .

It's like trying to explain to a pregnant woman what it's like to give birth and have a baby - she'll just never get it until it happens to her.

All those generic worries and questions, all become null and void when you just let go and embrace it.

I encourage you to delve a little deeper into every question you have.

Every time you think "what about this?" - pick it apart.

Drop everything you think you know, and the opinions of others, and just have a really good think about why, and when and how come.

The more you do this, the closer you will get to understanding what unschooling means for you.

The closer you will get to understanding that living your life and filling it with the things you want to do, is really what is was meant to be all a long.

And that by you doing that, your children will follow suit, and before you know it,

all of you will be spending your days doing what you enjoy.

Yes there are different facets to it all, like healthy eating ,

and bedtimes and screens, and all those things you've heard horror stories about,

where kids eat nothing but ice-cream, and jump on the beds all night,

but I encourage you to read my faq's page that touches on these things,

and also look out for other posts about screen time and the like.

Here are a couple of theoretical scenarios just to give some examples of where I stand.

It's not about letting your children do whatever they want,

it's about all living a life together in harmony and consideration.

You are allowed to have conversations with your kids about feelings and healthy bodies and being considerate human beings.

I find that it always comes down to asking yourself why.

Your kid is running around outside in the cold without a coat on - you want to ask them to put one on - why?

If you have a good reason, then by all means, explain yourself.

But if your explanation is because you are cold, or because some old wives tale told you they will get sick, then re-evaluate that.

They are people, they will feel cold when they feel cold.

I'm pretty sure if you were climbing or running you would be pretty warm in a coat too.

When I trained for a 100km walk I was in a sports bra mid winter I was so warm. Germs make you sick, not the cold.

If your kid wants McDonalds for every meal, and you don't think that's a good idea, explain why - don't just go out and buy them junk food everyday and then lay around stressing about it.

You are allowed to say that you are trying to help them understand proper nutrition for their bodies and that eating certain foods everyday will make them ill.

You are allowed to explain to them that you have a responsibility as their parent to encourage healthy habits in them so that they thrive in life.

This doesn't mean force feeding them broccoli for every meal if they hate it,

but it also doesn't mean giving them whatever junk they want at every meal time either.

I have a very fussy child so I totally get it - she would eat dry bread for every meal if it was available,

but if I'm cooking for everyone, I'm making what I make, and she can eat whatever she wants off her plate.

I do try and keep everyones likes and dislikes in my mind when cooking, and definitely try my best to make nutritious food appear more junky and appealing.

If she is helping herself to meals,

I don't have to stock my cupboard full of biscuits and sweets,

I can have cupboards stocked with healthier snacks so that she can choose what she wants from what there is.

If she's gonna be all like "I want biscuits", I'll just be like "Ooh me too, but we have cheese and crackers instead? we'll get some biscuits next time".

I also talk about health and nutrition often, so that she understands that her body is her responsibility to look after and that the consequences of that are not something she wants to have to deal with.

But I don't force her to eat when she isn't hungry, and I don't force her to eat things she hates either.

A lot of the time she wants to eat the same things everyday.

So if she wants chips everyday, I just make chips with no oil from actual potatoes at home - whole foods are good for her so I don't stress.

I try to only keep whole foods in the house.

If she wants chocolate and we don't have any, I'll offer her an almond milk hot chocolate. There are ways everyone can win and feel good about it.

We just try and not go about it in a controlling way, but rather in the same way that we do for ourselves.

We love food and also want donuts everyday, but we aren't going to indulge and buy them everyday for ourselves, so we compromise and make waffles at home with chocolate spread instead.

This, in turn, is showing her how to deal with these cravings throughout her life and showing her that there are ways to enjoy and indulge while still looking after her body and being a healthy person who will remain fit and able enough to play and run and do the things she wants to do.

With explanations, and leading by example she understands and accepts these things.

My husband and I lead really believe in being the role model for Maddie.

We practice what we preach.

If I have a good reason for doing or not doing something, or allowing or not allowing something, I explain it to her and she can see that I am following the same principles.

And again, I don't force, if I've given my opinion on something and she still really wants to do it because she has her own strong views and opinions about it,

and it's not going to inconvenience everyones lives in some way,

then that's fine.

Like if she wants to stay up all night, and I remind her that when she doesn't get enough sleep, she always feels terrible the next day, and struggles to focus, or be her usual creative self, never mind the fact that we all have to deal with her mood,

but she insists she wants to stay up...

I'll get on board and say ok, but please just remember that Dad and I get up early for the gym, and we like to get enough rest so that we feel our best, so as long as she keeps it down and is considerate, I don't have a problem with that,

and in fact I will then even try and be supportive of her choice,

and ask her if there is anything I can do to make it more comfortable or enjoyable for her,

like making her some popcorn etc.

It's about communication.

You are allowed to, and are definitely encouraged, to communicate.

That is key!

Bottom line, ask yourself why you want to tell them or make them do things. Once you get into this habit,

you will quickly realise that a lot of the things you thought you knew,

aren't actually backed by any good reason.

You just always heard "because I said so" or "because you have to".

Unschooling to our family, means empowering Maddie to make good choices for herself.

Helping her understand the trickier parts of life and how to navigate them.

We feel that if we let her make decisions for herself now, and yes, maybe not always getting it right, and maybe not always making the best decisions,

is how she will ultimately learn.

How she will know how to make responsible and tough choices down the line.

She'll have confidence in her voice and her beliefs, and she'll have the experience of making decisions to back it up.

Making decisions and choices needs to be practiced, just like everything else we do.

The more you do something, the more mistakes you make, the better you get at it and the closer you get to the answers.

Let's face it, we aren't perfect and will always make wrong choices ourselves, so let's not hold our kids up to a higher standard and accept them for being human too.

More communication, more trust, more understanding.

See what I mean when I said it's hard to explain?

I feel like it's about a whole bunch of philosophies,

it's about over all change, and perspective.

It's about curiosity and asking questions - not just our children, but us.

I feel like unschooling is about us as the parents.

Children left to it, will quickly fall back into the groove of learning from everything around them.

But we have been moulded.

We have grown up in a time where we were encouraged to sit down and be quiet,

to only ask questions that were in line with certain things,

and to not veer outside those lines under any circumstances.

Unschooling to my family means, trusting ourselves and our child to be instinctive human beings,

shedding the blanket of societal norms and getting back to what feels right.

And in letting go and opening our minds,

finding that there is so much richness there.

There is a centre of truth and realness that has been covered up for so long,

by thick layers of labels, stats, media, expectation, overconsumption etc,

But fundamentally we are all curious, we are all passionate, we are all capable.

We just need to remember how to trust ourselves.

Life wasn't meant to be a struggle, full of pressure and rules.

This one chance, at this beautiful life, was meant to be lived,

simply,

cherished, enjoyed, experienced.

Unschooling is that chance.

It's ok to be happy with a calm life.

It's ok to live a life others do not understand.

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