Letting go of Control...

It's hard to let go of controlling our kids.

We grew up in, and still live in a world based on control.

If you really think about it, we have very little control over anything that we do day to day.

Even the things we are seemingly choosing for ourselves are being chosen out of carefully controlled systems.

So it's naturally in us to want to control everything our kids do from the time that they are topside.

That's why I feel like this is an important topic to consider.

If you are desperately wanting to change your families lives, and feel like letting go of that control is holding you back, then stick with me!

I have always been a very controlling person.

I am a perfectionist, and like things to be done right

(in other words, my way) LOL

And when I first dove into the world of unschooling and decided I wanted to live this way, it was one of the biggest obstacles I had to over come in order to succeed at it.

I think when you decide you want to follow this alternate way of living within your family, it's important to ask yourself why you want to do it,

so that your reasons are clear, and so that they can help steer you down the right path, and make the change easier.

Instead of looking for descriptions and labels and just trying to slot yourself in somewhere.

It really is important to think deeply about why you want this and how much you are willing to learn and change as the parent to really make it happen.

It's a misconception that anyone can unschool,

and I don't mean to sound negative or derogatory.

It just simply isn't going to work for some people, and one of the biggest reasons why it fails, is Control.

But we have to make sure our kids are on track right?

We have to make sure they can read and write and do maths.

What if they don't know how to behave in a public place, or what if they just want to spend their days watching youtube and eating chocolate?

Surely I have to have SOME control?

We are so busy being focused on if they are doing certain things,

and if they are doing them properly,

(mostly dictated by warped societal pressures and expectations),

or what they aren't doing

that it becomes this constant, exhausting battle within us,

and it inevitably ends badly for everyone.

I've seen so many people give up on life learning because of the constant worry about what their kids are doing with their time.

But ask yourself this - what are you doing with your time?

I think about this quite a lot,

because everyday I mostly do what I want to do.

Maybe it's because I only have one kid, or maybe it's because she isn't a toddler and doesn't need a lot of hands on attention, but I do feel like overall it's a thought that can relate across the board for any family.

And I know many big families who thrive with this lifestyle.

It's a shifting of perspective to just see every human in your family,

young and old, as a person, a unique person with their own story, own likes and dislikes and the innate ability to figure it all out for themselves.

Today around mid-morning Maddie was on the couch watching a movie in her pyjamas, and I realised that she does this regularly.

Then I remembered what it was like for me in the beginning and how my mind immediately would have gone to

'urgh she's being lazy and doing nothing again',

and I tried to pinpoint the moment of change or what it was that helped me overcome these thought patterns.

Because it didn't just happen, it took months and months of constant reading and podcasts and opinions to get me here.

What I'm talking about is seeing your kid on the couch everyday and not being able to stop yourself from asking them what their plans are, or what they are going to do today, like they aren't already doing something.

That need to control, that's what I'm talking about.

In my experience with Maddie, I noticed over the years that leaving her to it produces way more awesome activities and learning than I could ever drum up for her.

And the pleasure in seeing it take shape and come to life,

because it is uniquely her, is amazing.

I'm also not saying you can't suggest or recommend things,

I don't want it to sound like you just crack on with your life and not pay any attention to what your kid is doing.

If you've read my other posts on unschooling you will know that unschooling requires More time and More attention, but just in a different way, in a non controlling way.

What you want to aim for is a solid relationship based on communication and shared interests, as well as observing and knowing what they are into and facilitating that,

but trying to avoid pushing your ideals on them at the same time,

and accepting that they are a whole person who is going to live entirely differently to the way you do, and that's fine - good even.

I often ask Maddie if she'd like to bake with me, or go skating or swimming. things that we both enjoy doing together, so it doesn't feel forced or like a chore to either of us, so that we both legitimately enjoy ourselves and our time together.

Because just like she is a person in her own right, so am I.

Unschooling is for the whole family and it should be a mutually beneficial was of life,

that's the way that we see it anyways.

We spend a lot of time together doing fun things, and we also each spend a lot of time doing the things we enjoy on our own.

We all acknowledge each other as equals, with no hierarchy, and live and learn through our lives, in our own ways and together,

and it works.

I've also let go of the need to be busy all the time.

I feel like society has cultivated this thought that if you aren't doing something ALL the time you aren't being productive enough or you are failing somehow.

Who dictates what 'productive enough' is?

and success can mean very different things to different people.

Nothing bad is going to happen if I'm not busy from morning till night.

It doesn't mean I'm lazy and not going to amount to anything.

Everyone has productive days and chill days.

Like I said, Maddie was on the couch for hours, hadn't changed her clothes or done 'anything'.

I went to the gym, walked 5 miles, did some yoga and then started some work.

All the while we'd been chatting, she text me a few times asking me questions while I was out walking, and sent me some pictures of things she'd found online that interested her, and a list of supplies she needed for a project she was formulating in her mind,

then when I got home and did yoga, she had more questions.

She'd clearly been thinking about loads of different things while she'd been sitting there, looking like she was just laying around on her phone.

The programs and movies she watches all get her curious,

and as long as I don't step in or get in the way of that it always leads to something.

Just like it does in my own life.

She asked me what 'quantum' means,

so I looked it up and told her, then asked why she wanted to know - apparently it's a Teen Titans episode called 'quantum fun'.

And before that she was watching the Lego movie and was talking about an actor she recognised from another movie, which got us into a conversation about how hard it must be to be an actor and play such different roles.

Might not be maths, might not be learning about conjunctions, but it's thinking, and interest, and that is powerful.

She was also flicking through Pottercast on her phone and randomly said she wanted to make a board game again, but she was out of ideas,

(she enjoys making board games so has made quite a few).

I said the ideas are endless and only limited by her imagination,

and why not search for games we may not have, and see if they strike up an idea.

Then she remembered seeing a Harry Potter Monopoly somewhere online that we really hope gets produced one day,

and that inspired her to make her own Harry Potter Cluedo.

She got everything she needed and drew up her plans,

still chatting and asking questions along the way.

She was curious about why they named Charlie Brown - Peanuts.

So I looked it up and it lead into a conversation about what a peanut gallery is and where the saying originated.

It's interesting for me, because I learn so much through her questioning.

It's opened up such a different aspect in my own life and I love it.

My point is that they are - we are - genuinely learning all the time,

even when it looks like they are sitting there being 'lazy'.

Just because it's not long division doesn't mean it isn't worth something.

If you ask me it's actually way more relevant to a person's life.

I feel like the most important thing a parent of an Unschooler can do is not to redirect or break that flow.

Even if it happens to start with pyjamas in front of a screen.

In their mind, connections are being made, connections we could never understand, just the same way that no other person gets exactly how we think and learn.

Every single person lives and learns differently and they are all equally relevant, and children are people.

Interests are being sparked and learning IS happening.

This brings me to my main point.

I know it's not easy to just trust and let those reigns go,

and I don't see a lot of information on how to make this easier,

a lot of what I read and hear is just like - do it!

but no real tips and tricks.

I say the easiest way to make it happen if you are serious about unschooling and really want to give it an honest go is...

Get a life.

Get a life of your own.

And I bet your first thought was - Easier said than done.

Well it's easier - when you let go.

The only reason it's not that easy, is if you are still holding on to control.

You can still be an epic parent and have a life.

When you are focused on what YOU are doing and what you want for yourself and your life,

you automatically pull that focus from keeping a watchful eye over their shoulder, to achieving your own goals.

Making yourself happier and more fulfilled, which in turn makes you a happier mum and opens you up to deeper connection with your kids.

And by achieving all your goals you are automatically becoming the best parent you can be,

because you are now the best role model they could have, and you are 'teaching' your kids all the most valuable lessons in life,

like how to follow their dreams, and persevere and how to set goals and work towards them.

Your kids are always, always going to do what you do, so stop telling them what they should do and show them instead.

Everybody already knows thats how kids really learn,

they've done all the research, there are so many quotes about it,

and we all talk about it all the time,

all we have to do is actually take the steps.

We stress about the kids because we are trying to live their lives for them,

we stress about not having enough time to start that hobby,

or do that thing we've always wanted to do but can't,

because we are so busy watching our kids to see if they are becoming those people we want them to be in our minds.

Our kids are already themselves, just like you are you.

If they ever live up to the picture in your mind it's because they are doing it for you, not themselves.

We are all made of up the experiences we've had throughout our lives, so strive to make your experiences and your children's experiences good ones. Ones routed in connection, compassion, patience, respect, tolerance, empathy and so on.

They don't have to be raised with 'tough love', pressure, expectation, and control.

The best thing you can do is be a good example.

Show them that learning is not just for the young,

so that they get excited about learning, and want to learn their whole lives.

That already takes the pressure off time limits.

You don't have to learn everything in your younger years - years that are there to explore and make mistakes and build a relationship with yourself.

I love learning, and I am constantly picking up new skills because of my interests and things that I actually have the time to do now,

because I'm not living my life to anyone's schedule but my own,

and Maddie is inspired by that.

No she doesn't do the same things I do, because we are interested in different things, and I've learned to let go of those expectations of wanting her to do what I think she should do.

For instance, I am learning Spanish and I think it's awesome to be learning a different language and I think there is real value in that, but Maddie isn't interested in learning another language, she understands Afrikaans because a big chunk of our family are Afrikaans, but she just isn't interested in learning a language

right now.

I also wasn't interested in that kind of thing when I was a kid,

but look at me now!

She would rather play the guitar and ukulele and piano, or draw.

It's freeing to let go of the idea that learning is only for the young.

I have learned so many new skills on Skillshare and YouTube,

and for the first time in my life I feel like learning is fun and I want to do it all the time.

That's what I want for my kid.

Not to force her to learn a little bit of everything just in case she might use it one day, or as an author I read once put it - be interesting at cocktail parties.

But rather to be curious and love to learn, so that she will be excited and able to learn anything she needs to or wants to throughout her whole life.

And I myself much prefer conversations with people who are passionate and fascinated with what they are talking about.

We have noticed such a huge shift in our lives by just being curious parents, who focus on being the best versions of ourselves,

and including Maddie in our family as an equal with opinions and a voice.

We stay active in fun ways as a family and get outdoors all the time,

we follow our interests and discuss them in front of her and with her like we would with each other or our friends.

We talk and have conversations about life and what being the best version of yourself looks like, and not in a

'this is what you should be doing' kind of way,

but in an inspiring kind of way - a way that gets her thinking, an

'I love the sky out there today, I can't wait to hit the beach and get near the water, it always makes me feel so relaxed and rejuvenated' kind of way.

That's going to get her thinking for herself about what makes her more rejuvenated, and be way more effective in the long run, and for your relationship, than just saying

'you must go play outside, the sun is good for you'.

She can see that we do the activities we enjoy because we are fit enough and have the energy to do them. Less talk, more do do do.

We live our lives and wake up everyday trying to be the best humans we can be, and that is the only effective way to teach her anything.

That also means showing her how to be a human, sometimes tired, sometimes moody, imperfect human.

We never hold her up to a higher standard than we ourselves could achieve.

I always put myself in her shoes in different scenarios to make sure that I am seeing things from a fair and understanding perspective.

So many of us expect our kids to have complete control of their emotions and reactions, when we ourselves still can't claim that, even though we have many more years of emotional intelligence.

We want her to know that it's normal to have down time and that life is a wave.

To experience the highs and lows and be grateful for both.

To experience life as a journey and learn from every experience.

Because life and experiences are the learning.

Not to force it, because there is time.

Take a breath, slow it down, be herself and focus on right now.

What interests her right now?

What does she enjoy and feel like doing right now?

If we live that way, we truly experience and immerse ourselves in so many different things over the span of our lifetime, and accumulate so much knowledge and passion for so many things.

By focusing on the here and now, it automatically takes you down the right path for your future.

You are cultivating a deep understanding of who you are and what you love, so naturally you will be focused on the things you want out of life.

And this in turn will lead you straight to your dreams,

all while enjoying yourself in the moment.

Instead of getting stuck in the destructive thought patterns of,

but how will I achieve it, and when and what if?

Rather than spending your present moment stressing about a future you couldn't possibly predict, and are not even ready for, just live your life now.

Living this way really just creates a relaxed and rewarding life.

One where you aren't exhausted all the time, or don't have resentment building, or feelings of control that overwhelm you.

Trust in being a human and trust your child, they are more instinctual than even you are, because they have not been living under the weight of societal pressures and expectations as long as you have.

Just let go, and start thinking about what you want for you life.

It's not too late for you to be a life learner.

It's not just for our kids.

Learning is life, so live the life you've always wanted to,

and trust your kids to do the same.

Be the creator of your own universe and never forget that in the end, the relationships and the conversations and the experiences are what truly matter.

#RadicalUnschooling #Worldschooling #Mindfulness #HomeEducation #Lifelearning #Education #Wildeducation #SelfGrowth #Connection